Why?

Last night I watched “The Biggest Loser” and was so inspired.  They have all worked so hard and look so amazing.

I have been working out in the mornings, and I am really proud of myself for how hard I have been working.  I felt really good after this morning’s workout.

And then at 10:00 I cooked up a pound of sausage links and at them.  All of them.  By myself.  And then ate a spoonful of peanut butter.  And then sat down and cried.

Why do I do this to myself?  I know better. 

As I stood in front of the freezer and stared at the sausage, I told myself that I didn’t want them.  And then as I pulled them out and opened them, I told myself that they were bad for me.  And as I cooked them, I told myself that I shouldn’t eat them.  And then, as I was eating them, I told myself what a horrible person I was and how stupid I was and weak.  And when I finished eating the sausages, I felt so awful, that I needed a spoonful of peanut butter to help sooth the hurt. 

But it didn’t work.  Instead, I felt worse.

Why can’t I stop eating?  Why do I do it to myself, when I know how I am going to feel afterward?  I know it’s bad, and yet I can’t stop.  I feel so helpless. 

I want to lose more weight.  I know how to do it, and yet I keep sabotaging myself.  Why? 

I’m going to go find some chocolate.

Speaking of addictions...

...this goes along with yesterday's post. I thought it was quite funny.

"I know I'm fat. Don't try to sugarcoat it, or I'll eat that too!"

Addictions

Hi.  My name is Camille and I am addicted to food.
Seriously.
I love food.  I love the taste of it.  I never eat because I am hungry.  I eat because it tastes good.  I never NEED a second helping, I just take it because of the taste. 
I am an emotional eater.  I eat when I am happy and when I am sad.  I eat to celebrate and I eat to mourn.  I eat when I am bored, when I am stressed, when I am mad. 
The thing is, I can't ever be free from food.  If I was addicted to smoking, I could stop and never ever have another cigarette.  If I was an alcoholic, I could stop drinking and never have another one. 
But I can't stop eating.  And I can't stop grocery shopping.  I am around food all the time.  It's in my house!  I have 6 tubs of cookie dough in my freezer because The Teenager was selling them for a fund raiser.  I can hear them calling my name right now. 
And with the holidays coming up, there will be so much food and candy and sweets around.  I really don't know what I am going to do.  My mom can have one bite and it will satisfy her.  Not me.  I have to eat the whole thing, whether it's a bowl of ice cream or an entire large bag of Cheetos. 
Before The Princess was born, I went to Weight Watchers and lost 36 pounds.  I loved how I looked and felt.  I know what to do.  So why can't I do it again?  Where is my motivation? I see women who look so cute in clothes and I say, "I would give anything to look like that."  But obviously I wouldn't because I am still eating and still gaining.