Why?

Last night I watched “The Biggest Loser” and was so inspired.  They have all worked so hard and look so amazing.

I have been working out in the mornings, and I am really proud of myself for how hard I have been working.  I felt really good after this morning’s workout.

And then at 10:00 I cooked up a pound of sausage links and at them.  All of them.  By myself.  And then ate a spoonful of peanut butter.  And then sat down and cried.

Why do I do this to myself?  I know better. 

As I stood in front of the freezer and stared at the sausage, I told myself that I didn’t want them.  And then as I pulled them out and opened them, I told myself that they were bad for me.  And as I cooked them, I told myself that I shouldn’t eat them.  And then, as I was eating them, I told myself what a horrible person I was and how stupid I was and weak.  And when I finished eating the sausages, I felt so awful, that I needed a spoonful of peanut butter to help sooth the hurt. 

But it didn’t work.  Instead, I felt worse.

Why can’t I stop eating?  Why do I do it to myself, when I know how I am going to feel afterward?  I know it’s bad, and yet I can’t stop.  I feel so helpless. 

I want to lose more weight.  I know how to do it, and yet I keep sabotaging myself.  Why? 

I’m going to go find some chocolate.