I never understood how a mother could beat her children…until I had one of my own.  I don’t do well with too little sleep.  Combine that with a newborn baby, and we have a disaster on our hands.

When The Teenager was born, I was privileged to be able to quit work and stay home.  The Doctor was working and going to school.  Because of this, I didn’t feel it was fair to wake him up during the night to help me with the baby.  I became sleep deprived and stressed out.

One night, I couldn’t get The Teenager to go to sleep after a feeding.  He was crying and crying and I couldn’t comfort him.  I got so upset.  I started having horrible feelings of wanting to hurt him.  I mean really hurt him.  I became so scared!

I laid him in his crib and left the room.  I could still hear him crying.  I went into the bathroom and shut the door.  I could still hear him crying.  I turned on the bathtub and finally could not hear him anymore.  I sat down on the edge of the tub and cried and cried and cried.  I knew that if I went back into that room, I would hurt him.  I was devastated. 

How could a mother feel that way towards her own child?  I kept this a secret for years.  I didn’t tell anyone.  I didn’t want them to know what a horrible mother I was.  It wasn’t until I joined an email mommy loop (Hi Tina, Pamm, Tammy, Angie, Melissa, and Lynette!) that I started opening up.  And when I did, I discovered that I was not alone.  They had all felt that way at some point and to some degree.  And the more I talked to other moms, the more I discovered that they had felt the same way too.

My goal for telling you all this is to be honest and open.  If you have never felt this way towards your children, kudos to you.  Please don’t look down on those of us who have.  We are still good moms.  I am very proud of the fact that I never gave in to those feelings. 

So as we celebrate Mother’s Day, give yourself some slack.  Celebrate the fact that you are doing the best you can.  Enjoy a little praise because we all know we don’t get much the rest of the year!  Graciously say “Thank You” when your children say you are the best mommy in the world.  Because you are…to them. 

And while you are all doing that, I am going to try to accept it too.  I am way too hard on myself.  If I keep telling my kids what an awful mother I am, someday they are going to believe it.  I don’t want them to do that.  So I will enjoy the love and attention I get this weekend. 

Happy Mother’s Day to you all!


Angie said... Reply To This Comment

Happy Mothers Day to you! And I would have to agree that I have had those feelings too. I'm glad to have friends that are moms who have shared that they feel the same way too. It helps to know you aren't alone.

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