Another number I am proud of. This is the number of men that I have “had relations” with. And not until after we were married. And that’s a good thing.
Showing posts with label Men. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Men. Show all posts
Posted by
The Mom
Monday, November 15, 2010
Labels: Latter-day Saint , LDS , Men , Mormon 1 comments
In honor of The Doctor, who is letting me go on an overnighter with my card group (not that I really asked, but still...).
100 reasons to be a guy...
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your rearend is never a factor in a job interview.
13. (Deleted for content!)
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. (Deleted for content)
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your co‑workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. (Deleted for content)
37. If you’re 34 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. (Deleted for content)
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president. (I thought about deleting this one!)
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. (Deleted for content)
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56. (Deleted for content)
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a darn if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking "He must be mad at me."
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near you pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just to skeevy.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work...more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress $2000. Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. (Deleted for content)
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone. (Not in my house!)
78. People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.
79. ESPN's sports center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties kick butt over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. (Deleted for content)
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. (Deleted for content)
88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
90. The occasional well‑rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. (Deleted for content)
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. (Deleted for content)
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch.
100. There is always a game on somewhere.
100 reasons to be a guy...
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your rearend is never a factor in a job interview.
13. (Deleted for content!)
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. (Deleted for content)
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your co‑workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. (Deleted for content)
37. If you’re 34 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. (Deleted for content)
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president. (I thought about deleting this one!)
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. (Deleted for content)
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56. (Deleted for content)
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a darn if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking "He must be mad at me."
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near you pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just to skeevy.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work...more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress $2000. Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. (Deleted for content)
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone. (Not in my house!)
78. People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.
79. ESPN's sports center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties kick butt over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. (Deleted for content)
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. (Deleted for content)
88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
90. The occasional well‑rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. (Deleted for content)
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. (Deleted for content)
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch.
100. There is always a game on somewhere.
How to Shower like a Woman
1. Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning because there was a distinct chill in the air due to the temperature dropping below 73 degrees. Carefully fold and place in clothes hamper.
2. Walk to bathroom. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4. Position the shower nozzle away from you and turn on water.
5. Get in the shower, once you have found it through all that steam.
6. Look for face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
7. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
8. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
9. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
10. Watch fallen hair accumulate on drain & fret.
11. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub until red.
12. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
13. Complain bitterly when you realize that your husband has once again been eating your Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
14. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
15. Shave armpits and evaluate if there is time left for legs.
16. Slick hair back and pretend you're like Bo Derek in 10.
17. Use pumice stone to soften rough spots on feet.
18. Use massage mitt to reduce cellulite on thighs.
19. Use nailbrush to clean toenails.
20. Scream loudly when your husband runs faucet and you get a rush of cold water.
21. Cover your entire body in baby oil.
22. Turn hot water on full and rinse off, making shower dangerously slippery for husband.
23. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.
24. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a spot, or new hair in an uncommon place.
25. Apply body lotion from the neck down. Moisturize, Moisturize!
26. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately, and then rush to bedroom.
How to Shower Like a Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your wife along the way, flash her.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs.
4. Turn on the water, get jet blast in ear because you left on the shower nozzle yesterday.
5. Check for pecs again.
6. Get in the shower.
7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (You don't use one.)
8. Wash your face (not compulsory).
9. Whistle a few bars of the Irish Spring song.
10. Wash your armpits (not compulsory).
11. Wash your groin area (compulsory).
12. Wash your behind (eh, whatever...)
13. Cough up anything that might be lodged in the back of your throat, like a fur ball, cat, beer top.
14. Shampoo your hair with the blue bar of deodorant soap. (no need for conditioner).
15. Make a shampoo Mohawk. That's cool!
16. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror.
17. Sample your wife's Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake bodywash. Ummm..Nice!
18. Pee. (In the shower.)
19. Blow your right nostril.
20. Blow your left nostril.
21. Rinse off and get out of the shower.
22. Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you pass your wife, flash her.
23. Throw towel on floor.
1. Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning because there was a distinct chill in the air due to the temperature dropping below 73 degrees. Carefully fold and place in clothes hamper.
2. Walk to bathroom. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4. Position the shower nozzle away from you and turn on water.
5. Get in the shower, once you have found it through all that steam.
6. Look for face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
7. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
8. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
9. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
10. Watch fallen hair accumulate on drain & fret.
11. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub until red.
12. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
13. Complain bitterly when you realize that your husband has once again been eating your Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
14. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
15. Shave armpits and evaluate if there is time left for legs.
16. Slick hair back and pretend you're like Bo Derek in 10.
17. Use pumice stone to soften rough spots on feet.
18. Use massage mitt to reduce cellulite on thighs.
19. Use nailbrush to clean toenails.
20. Scream loudly when your husband runs faucet and you get a rush of cold water.
21. Cover your entire body in baby oil.
22. Turn hot water on full and rinse off, making shower dangerously slippery for husband.
23. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.
24. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a spot, or new hair in an uncommon place.
25. Apply body lotion from the neck down. Moisturize, Moisturize!
26. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately, and then rush to bedroom.
How to Shower Like a Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your wife along the way, flash her.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs.
4. Turn on the water, get jet blast in ear because you left on the shower nozzle yesterday.
5. Check for pecs again.
6. Get in the shower.
7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (You don't use one.)
8. Wash your face (not compulsory).
9. Whistle a few bars of the Irish Spring song.
10. Wash your armpits (not compulsory).
11. Wash your groin area (compulsory).
12. Wash your behind (eh, whatever...)
13. Cough up anything that might be lodged in the back of your throat, like a fur ball, cat, beer top.
14. Shampoo your hair with the blue bar of deodorant soap. (no need for conditioner).
15. Make a shampoo Mohawk. That's cool!
16. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror.
17. Sample your wife's Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake bodywash. Ummm..Nice!
18. Pee. (In the shower.)
19. Blow your right nostril.
20. Blow your left nostril.
21. Rinse off and get out of the shower.
22. Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you pass your wife, flash her.
23. Throw towel on floor.
This is the funniest video ever! And it is so true! Enjoy.
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