A few months ago, I was feeling horrible. I was struggling with multiple things that were weighing me down and I wasn’t handling them well. I am sure you could all tell by the tone of my blog. I know my mom and sisters’ did.
One morning, the kids had all gone to school and I hopped in the shower. As the warm (okay, scalding hot) water rushed over me, my tears were released and I bawled and bawled. The shower is a great place for that because you don’t need a tissue!
Anyway, I was sobbing and mourning over some choices that my son was making. How was I supposed to go on with my life when I felt like such a total and complete failure as a mother? My child was choosing a path that was not right. What if I had just held him a little tighter, or a little longer as a baby? What if I had smiled more and yelled less? What if I had played more and cleaned less? What if.
As I stood there and cried, I asked my Heavenly Father how He could sit back and watch this happen to my child. And then I had a revelation.
It was His son that was causing all this heartbreak. His son doing this to my son. His son putting the garbage out into the world and tempting all of His other children, trying to get them to fail. How many nights has He cried over His son rebelling and causing so much pain?
That really helped me to realize that I am NOT a bad mom. I don’t look at Heavenly Father and think he is a bad father. He lost 1/3 of children to rebellion. He completely understands the pain and grief that I was feeling. But I just have to keep trying. I can’t give up.
And I didn’t give up. Things have gotten so much better since that day. My son is back on the right path, making choices that are in line with his upbringing and testimony. It hasn’t been easy. He has struggled and had set backs. But he is going to be okay. He is even fun to be around again.
I still struggle with feelings of inadequacy, but I just have to do the best that I can. And I know that my Heavenly Father will be with me. Because He loves me. Of that, I am positive. He love me, and He loves my children. And I love my children so very much.