I used to be a SAHM. For those of you who aren't lingo savvy, this means Stay At Home Mom. I liked being a SAHM. I could sleep in when I wanted, I could take a nap in the afternoon, and I could then stay up late with my husband. I loved being there for my kids. If one called from school to say he was sick, I would be right there to bring him home. I loved being home.

Last June our car died, and in order to afford a car payment, I had to go to work. It has become the ideal job. I love what I am doing (now that I have moved permanently off of taxes), Ihave a great boss, I work great hours, and I get to work 2 days a week from home. If I need some time off, I can take it, no questions asked. It is wonderful.

However, I would much prefer being at home with k. I hate having to leave her with someone while I go to work. She loves going on play dates, and I couldn't ask for better babysitters. But I have been praying that T can get a job where I can be home again.

Then this morning, as I was laying in bed at 5:20, trying to wake up, I had a revelation. I will never be able to go back again. I just know that this is it. For the rest of my life, I will be working. k will never get me just to herself again. Because even when I am home, I am either cleaning or cooking or working.

It makes me so sad. I know it could be a lot worse, but I miss how simple my life used to be. I haven't scrapbooked in almost a year now. And even if I had the time, I would have to clean out my scrapbook room in order to get to my desk.

I'm just sad today.


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