Lonely

Over the last 3 years, The Teenager has been going through a lot of struggles and trials.  I have mentioned it in some degrees, but it was hard.  Harder than anyone knew.  I felt so alone through it all, and Sunday, I realized why.

When my children were little and I was struggling with them, I knew there were many other mothers I could go to for advice.  Not sleeping through the night?  Potty training struggles?  Biting?  Diarrhea and vomiting?  I knew all I had to do was ask and there would be plenty of other women who could help me.  I even became part of an email loop of other SAHM moms, and we would whine and complain to each other and we would feel so much better.

But when I was struggling with The Teenager, I couldn’t go to anyone.  His trials were personal to him, and it’s not something that you broadcast publicly.  I talked to my mom some, but I kept a lot from her as well.  I could talk to my husband, but but he didn’t have the answers, and he was gone all day (and most nights).  I couldn’t talk to my email loop moms because none of them are LDS and don’t have the same standards as us, so they wouldn’t understand what the big deal was.

I was very isolated.  And I made it worse because I withdrew.  I quit going to Relief Society activities, mainly because it was too hard to put on a happy face and pretend that everything was fine.  It was a very lonely period in my life. I would cry during the day and then put on a happy face when I was around others.  I prayed a lot, and that definitely helped, but it’s not the same. I desperately wanted someone to talk to, to cry with, to comfort me. 

But there wasn’t anyone. 

Stress Management

A young lady walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience.  She held a raised glass of water, and everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or half full?

She fooled them all... "How heavy is this glass of water?"  Answers called out ranged from 8-ounces to 20-ounces.

She replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.

“That's the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes
increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on. As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and
rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced.”

So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don't carry them through the evening and into the night.  Let them go and pick them up tomorrow.

Listening

For the last 4 years, I have been very bitter.  Bitter that I had to go to work when The Princess was only 2 years old.  I was able to be home with all 3 of my boys, and I didn’t understand why I couldn’t be home with my girl.  But over the years, I have received several revelations.  I have talked about this several times here.   But in the last month, I have come to the biggest revelation of all, which has eased the bitterness.

Heavenly Father knew I was going to have to go to back to work, and he prepared the way for me.  Back in 1998, I was prompted to go back to school.  I didn’t know why at the time.  It took me 2 years, another child, and 2 carpal tunnel surgeries, but I made it through.  I got my Bachelor’s degree. 

And then I didn’t use it.

But, when it was time that I had to go back to work, I had a degree to use.  I didn’t have to go and work at Wal-mart for minimum wage.  I didn’t have to work nights or weekends.  I was able to get a job that paid a decent wage and had decent hours.  And then I was able to negotiate and start doing some work at home. 

My Heavenly Father prepared the way, and I listened.  However, if I hadn’t listened, if I hadn’t gone back to school, I would have been much worse off.  So He did His part, and I did my part.  And I gave it time.  Just like an apple is bitter until it is ripe, I have had enough time to let the bitterness slowly grow into understanding.  And now, I feel healed.

Motherhood

A few months ago, I was feeling horrible.  I was struggling with multiple things that were weighing me down and I wasn’t handling them well.  I am sure you could all tell by the tone of my blog.  I know my mom and sisters’ did. 

One morning, the kids had all gone to school and I hopped in the shower.  As the warm (okay, scalding hot) water rushed over me, my tears were released and I bawled and bawled.  The shower is a great place for that because you don’t need a tissue!

Anyway, I was sobbing and mourning over some choices that my son was making.   How was I supposed to go on with my life when I felt like such a total and complete failure as a mother?  My child was choosing a path that was not right.  What if I had just held him a little tighter, or a little longer as a baby? What if I had smiled more and yelled less? What if I had played more and cleaned less? What if.

As I stood there and cried, I asked my Heavenly Father how He could sit back and watch this happen to my child. And then I had a revelation.

It was His son that was causing all this heartbreak.  His son doing this to my son.  His son putting the garbage out into the world and tempting all of His other children, trying to get them to fail.  How many nights has He cried over His son rebelling and causing so much pain?

That really helped me to realize that I am NOT a bad mom. I don’t look at Heavenly Father and think he is a bad father.  He lost 1/3 of children to rebellion. He completely understands the pain and grief that I was feeling.  But I just have to keep trying.  I can’t give up. 

And I didn’t give up.  Things have gotten so much better since that day. My son is back on the right path, making choices that are in line with his upbringing and testimony.  It hasn’t been easy.  He has struggled and had set backs.  But he is going to be okay.  He is even fun to be around again. 

I still struggle with feelings of inadequacy, but I just have to do the best that I can.  And I know that my Heavenly Father will be with me.  Because He loves me.  Of that, I am positive.  He love me, and He loves my children.  And I love my children so very much. 

Pencils

Everyone knows what pencils are. Everyone uses pencils. They are inexpensive and easy to find. But did you know that pencils are like your life?

1. Everything you do will leave a mark.

2. You will make mistakes but they can be corrected.

3. The most important part is what is inside you.

4. You will undergo painful sharpenings that will only make you better.

5. You will be guided by the hands that hold you.

What an amazing analogy.  I have been through some sharpenings lately, but they are making me stronger…I hope.  It’s not easy.  Sharpenings hurt.  Many tears have been shed.  But just as I was feeling my lowest, a dear friend stopped me and made me talk.  I am so grateful to her, more than she will ever know. 

It’s not over yet, but it’s getting better.  I am scrapbooking again, and that is helping.  It is something that I am doing for me.  Well, it’s for the kids, but the time is for me.  I am doing something that I want to do, not that I have to do.  And it’s healing.

You’ll never sharpen a pencil the same way again!

Pain

"The gospel of Jesus Christ is not insurance against pain. It is a source in the event of pain, and when that pain comes (and it will come, because we came here to earth to have pain among other things), when it comes, rejoice that you have the resource to deal with your pain." -Carl Broderick

I cannot see Him. Sometimes I don't even know He is there. And yet, He is right by my side, helping me, cheering for me, crying with me. He loves me. He knows the pain I have gone through, the pain I continue to go through. The neuroses, the struggles, the temptations, the hurt and anger I have been through. He knows that I still struggle, on an almost daily basis. And He is there weeping for me, and bolstering me up. He believes in me.

"Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy days." (D&C 24:8).

Jobs

3 years, 5 months, and 5 days is how long we went from having one good stable job that The Doctor was happy at, to having another stable job that he was happy at.

1254 days.

30,096 hours.

1,805,760 minutes.

108,345,600 seconds.

I thought I should go through and make a list of the jobs he had during this time.

April 27, 2005 – let go from UVSC

July 8, 2005 – drafting job for Gold Medallion Homes

August 12, 2005 – Left Gold Medallion Homes

September 22, 2005 – electronics department at Wal-Mart

October 28, 2005 – Left Wal-Mart

October 31, 2005 – telephone survey job

November 3, 2007 – left telephone survey job

November 7, 2005 – Started working for Sysco

March 8, 2007 – let go from Sysco

March 2007 – teaching at Eagle Gate College

June 2007 – left Eagle Gate

June 21, 2007 – drafting job at TechniGraphics

September 7, 2007 – lost job at TechniGraphics

September 20, 2007 – Assistant Dean of Faculty at Utah Career College

March 2008 – lost job at UCC

May 2008 – substitute teaching

June 24, 2008 – photo department at Wal-Mart

June 25, 2008 – hired at Weber School District to teach drafting

August 9, 2008 – left Wal-Mart

August 12, 2008 – started at Weber School District

October 1, 2008 – got first paycheck for teaching (finally!)

As I look back on it now, it went by so fast. But during? Not so much.

I really struggled with understanding why this was happening. He is such a good man. Why didn't anyone want to hire him? I know that we didn't get some jobs because he wasn't qualified for them. I also know that we didn't get some jobs because he was over-qualified. He didn't care, he just wanted a job that would pay enough!

I can now see how much growth both he and I went through during this time. And I know there will be more challenges in the future. I love this quote by Stephanie:

"Life is full of changes and many of them make us sad and uncomfortable. But they always make us grow. I do look forward to the growth if not the growing pains."

Thanks Stephanie. I couldn't have said it better myself.

I know it's here somewhere!

I hate losing things. I have always been very proud of the fact that I am very organized and can find things quickly. When I lose something, it's very frustrating.

But this post isn't about me losing things, it's about my husband. He keeps losing his job! What the heck?!?!

We were very stable before. T had worked at a college for 7 years. In fact, we had just been to a banquet to celebrate the fact that he had gotten tenure.

And then he was let go. There are quite a few factors, but it comes down to the fact that he was in a department of men who were all alike, the younger ones had actually gotten their degrees from that school and the older men had been their teachers. T wasn't like them. He enjoyed helping the students. He would sit down with them and talk to them and help them. His degree was a design degree and the others were drafting degrees. So can you see the problem?

We knew they weren't happy with him, and T was planning on leaving in 1-2 years, AFTER he had finished his Doctorate degree. At that time, he had just finished the classes and was starting the research for the Dissertation. But apparently they didn't want to wait for him to finish. They wanted to get rid of him before his tenure kicked in and they had to have an acutal valid reason for firing him.

So we cried and stressed (k was only 8 months old) and then we sucked it up. And prayed. We would get paid through the rest of his contract (another 2 months), so surely he would have another job by then. It didn't happen. We cashed out his retirement, paid 40% of it to the IRS, paid off our cars and our credit cards, and lived off the rest for another 2 months. Surely he would have a job by then. It didn't happen. We applied for food stamps, unemployment, he worked at Walmart and we got help from our church. Surely he would get a job now. It didn't happen.

Finally, 7 months after losing his job, T got a job working for a food company. He taught their food handler's classes. It wasn't ideal, but he was teaching, which he loved to do, and we were making enough money to pay our own bills, and we had benefits.

T was traveling 6-9 days a month, including some weekends. He did so well, that he beat all their records for number of people taught and the amount of money that these classes brought into his department. He made a profit for this position for the first time EVER! So did they reward him? No, they set his goals even higher and expected him to reach them. And he did. So did they reward him? No, they set his goals even higher, completely unattainable. And when he couldn't reach them, he was let go. It had been 17 months.

So we cried and stressed and then sucked it up. And then prayed. We applied for food stamps, Medicaid, and unemployment, T worked where he could find work, and we still ended up having to get help.

And then our car died. The engine just went out on a trip. However, the kids loved riding in the car on the back of a tow truck! So now how do we afford a car payment? I go to work.

I was very lucky and found a really good job (that is a whole other post). But now I am working and taking my 2 year old to a babysitter, which I absolutely hate. T did find a job working as a draftsman, but his boss figured out that he could hire 2 kids out of high school, work them part time, and pay them less than he was paying T, and he was let go after 3 months.

So we cried and stressed and then sucked it up. And prayed. We applied for food stamps and Medicaid and unemployment. T got a job less than a month later. It was a good job as an assistant Dean at a for-profit school. The benefits would have cost us over $350 a month, so we passed.

In the meantime, T had been working on his dissertation and trying to write about meaningful work when he wasn't working. But he did it and he finished and received his diploma. He is now a Doctor!

And then after 7 months, he was let go. The reason? "It's just not a good fit." What the heck? That is all his boss would tell him. He was mad.

So we cried and stressed and then sucked it up. And prayed. And we are still praying. He has been substituting in junior high's, but that pays about half of what he was making before. But we are applying for food stamps and medicaid. And praying. A lot.

I do have to say that we have both grown so much because of these trials. My testimony has increased immensely and we have grown closer to each other. So I can't regret the trials for that very reason.

It's been 3 years. I am tired. This can't go on forever. Can it? I know it won't, but it sure feels that way sometimes. And I am ready to be stable again and let the Bishop worry about someone else for a while!

So if anyone finds a job that has T's name on it, could you return it to us? We have been looking for it for a very long time. Thank you.